Best Jokes Ever!

  • A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
  • Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn’t breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, “I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?” “Calm down”, the operator says in a soothing voice, “I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he’s dead.”

The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot; “Ok”, says the hunter, “now what?”

  • Two friends are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
  • This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

  • An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. “It’s all right,” says the husband. ”We share everything.” A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn’t taken a bite. ”I really wouldn’t mind buying your wife her own meal,” he insists. ‘She’ll eat,” the husband assures him. ”We share everything.”

Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ”Why aren’t you eating?”
The wife snaps, ”Because I’m waiting for the teeth!”

  • Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service.
    ”Will the winter be bad?” he asks.
    ”Looks like it,” is the answer.
    So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. ”Are you positive the winter will be very cold?”
    ”Absolutely.”
    The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: ”Are you sure?”
    ”I’m telling you, it’s going to be the coldest winter on record.”
    ”How do you know?”
    ”Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!”

Source: https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-most-profound-jokes-ever?redirected_qid=248009

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The Diverse Human

Humans come in various kinds
some of us dark & some fair
but there is one thing that binds
humanity is what we share

Our traditions & tongues are not the same
we are of different nations and of different name
but we reside on the same planet
and are equal players of this vast game

Many of us poor and some wealthy
some sick and some healthy
these things just don’t matter
after all we’re baked of the same batter

Some of us live on the hills
and some are dwellers of the plains
Men may live anyplace
Air, water & soil are needs they face

No one in this world is perfect
everyone has virtues & faults select
for each stands his own fate
we are equal but separate!

Comfort Zone

I am afraid to venture
out where nothing’s my own
never up for adventure
 I love my comfort zone

In my little corner everything is familiar
My routine is something which stays same
but subdued is a passion

of surpassing which  as it came

I feel but don’t embrace
the desire to step out and see
I want but don’t unleash
the human inside me

The world has had me fettered
to the daily routine
My emotions are imprisoned
I cannot live the scene

Life is enjoyed by a few
who realise its true value
living till the last breath
they are the true mortals, ’tis true

So eschew convention

And just go with the flow

if you still dither   

then to you, woe!                        

Thoughts in Desolation

The light has left leaving me in dark
Noise & voices are heard but from far away
a few paces out, its bright & gay
but I rest to live in loneliness stark

An aura of peace overwhelms me
in this blindness, I begin to see
the world is just a play of truth & lies
the birth is what will be met with demise

The heart & mind are puppets of the soul
which is the master from within
all the noble deeds and the evil sin
will predict our defeat or win

Life is a tedious test
a journey of hurdles & hardships
the world is not the abode of rest
but where justice will not be at its best

Thinking & Thinking many questions arise
why the grass green, why the ant is of small size
some things defy human sense
and in their wake proving divine existence

This sheer desolation makes me wonder
what would life be when moon was cleft asunder
how did people in those times believe
when they had no one save God to relieve

We think therefore we exist
hence, we must lighten the thick mist
formed of disbelief & ignorance
this thought in out minds should persist

In these thoughts I come to realize
Life is not easy but a game of the wise

Job Reservations Are a Violation of the Right to Equality

Do reservations really empower the Socially & Educationally Backward classes? If we think about it, we can conclude that ‘India is the only nation in the world where people fight to be called backward’. Today 27% of government jobs are reserved for citizens belonging to the so-called lower sections of the society. Doesn’t it seem facetious that we try to supposedly assist a downtrodden community by decreeing a special status to them thereby creating a separate class which will eventually be resented by the general masses.

A very good morning to Mustafa sir and my colleagues; today I shall be presenting a dialogue for the notion that Reservations are a violation of the right to equality. Our constitution declares that every citizen is equal in the eyes of law and is subject to equal opportunities but this separate quota for the backward classes is in clear violation of this fundamental right. The atrocities committed against the Dalits are an abhorrent example of how superstitions and orthodox traditions overwhelm the minds of the populace but the government has implemented stringent measures to safeguard the rights of the SCs & STs, so we must accept them as normal people like any of us.
Is the government not being unfair when, by defying the basic principles on which our nation was founded it metes out a preferential treatment to the Dalits while being indifferent to the impact it will have on the general population.
The reservations leads to a situation where the more deserving candidates are denied employment opportunities and their hard work and toil goes to waste, they promote hatred and disunity among several sections of the society which can have disastrous consequences in the near future. In the preliminary stages, the job reservations were meant to aid the lower classes in becoming a resource for the nation but as politics played in, they were transformed into a policy which would garner sufficient votes for political parties. A Dalit himself, Dr. Ambedkar opposed Gandhiji’s policy of separating his community from the mainstream and calling them ‘Harijans’. He desired that the Dalits be given an equal but not a special status.

Moreover, majority of the public is unsupportive of the reservations, I must therefore say again, Reservations are a violation of the right to equality.

Time

Tick tock tick tock passing away
these vital moments don’t stay
Seconds into minutes and minutes hours
Man loses his treasure this swift way

Time is but an ephemeral possession
a blessing for some, curse for many
the portend of prosperity & that of regression
which causes agreement & often contention

Men measure what is an immeasurable entity
In months of days and years of months
Time passes away unrelenting
leaving the unwise anxious & regretting

The eternal stream flows on
its demeanor indifferent
moving & moving waiting for none
easily lost but seldom won

The wise use it to their benefit
the indolent speak of tomorrow
what today is may not be tomorrow
it might bring fulfillment or just sorrow

Use your time wisely, waste it never
humans die but time lives forever

Latest Fads Among Indian Youth

  • Buying a Quad-core 1.5 GHz smartphone with Super AMOLED capacitive touchscreen and 16 mp Ultra Sensor rear camera to take selfies with a 2 MP front cam.
  • Giving picture credits to a clearly photoshopped picture and adding meaningless quotes to it.
  • *feeling* entertained, anxious, heartbroken, smart and determined with 10 others on Facebook, of all places.
  • The uncontrollable urge to be involved with everything that trends on social media and update his/her status about it. For ex, on May 2nd 2015, every person on my timeline suddenly turned into a boxing pundit (MayPac fight) and for two months in 2014, a football expert (FIFA WC).
  • Supporting a football club because it is the new cool thing to do and mostly because it is winning. Claiming to be a die hard fan of those bankrolled clubs which did not even exist(not literally) until a few years ago.
  • Wishing their parents on Mother’s and Father’s Day on facebook, even though they are not on Facebook. The whole concept of “days” for parents is a farce anyway.
  • This was mainly during 2014, but yeah; taking a selfie with their ink-stained index fingers after casting a vote and uploading them on Facebook.
  • Instagram hashtags. #instapic #Iphonesia #instagood #picoftheday #tbt, #tagforlike and so on. Ok, can you also please #STFU. Thank you.
  • Picture comments on a profile picture/status update with those third grade memes made from regional movies. Good lord.
  •  this!

  • “X month” anniversaries (Where X lies between zero and 12). Last I checked, anniversaries used to be celebrated at least after an year or so, but hey, what do I know, huh?
  • Starbucks Coffee, Instagram filters and Facebook tags. Don’t get me started on those.
  • “Mah Lyf, Mah Rulezz”. Yeah!
  • It never was, never is and never will be cool to write cool as “kewl”. NO! Don’t do that.
  • A DSLR camera, Picasa and Facebook Photography pages. The holy trinity from where most of the fads in India got their presence. This is covered in more detail by other answers to this question, so I’ll leave it at that
  • Mindless Ice Bucket Challenges when they have no idea what ALS is, what it stands for or even the full form of it.
  • “My first answer with 1K upvotes. Thanks so much guys” Yes, we can see it has four figure upvotes. Leave it at that. Your answer is good as is. Don’t ruin it. Just don’t.
  • Deep/sad status msgs(mostly intending for a person) on WhatsApp. It’s not even a social media platform for heaven’s sake.
  • *Travelling from US to India.* *Check-in at every airport you have a connection.*
  • The gross over usage of the word “Awww” accompanied with love and smooch emojis. *u lk so cute* *hotttiiieee* *mwah <3*
  • And lastly, Fake Feminism.

SOURCE: https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-latest-fad-among-the-youth-of-India Answer: Abhinav Nakka

The Evanescent Innocence

Creation of the Almighty which arrives crying

euphoric the man, the woman sighing

the solace which comes after what seems like years

shrieking, babbling; with great fears

away from its dark surroundings, in the world of light

Breathing, seeing, feeling; having eyesight

The innocent infant knows nothing

knows no good, no evil not a thing!

his life composes of eating, sleeping & screaming

mother’s lap is pure pleasure where he comes leaping

his mind is what can be said of soft clay

easily molded into anything in any way

This wonderful transition is wild

from an innocuous infant to a conscious child

who grows in intelligence and in stature

feeling his surroundings, interacting with nature

his wants and wishes are increasing

and craze of various things is unceasing

Yes, the child is growing

the water under his bridge is steadily flowing

fruit of upbringing is showing

Now a parent reaps what for years he is sowing

Childishness is almost extinct

in his mind now maturity sits

his expressions are clear and speech succinct

 Sans innocence the man exists